honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
