if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
