Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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