No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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