the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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