There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
