Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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