Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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