I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
