I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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