i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
