My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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