Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
