So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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