If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize