I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
