Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
