the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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