Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
