my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
