Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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