How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
