Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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