you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He passed out mid-signature
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
