Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I AM VODKA MAN
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
