i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
