I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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