I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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