Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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