I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
