Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
