Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
