I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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