Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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