my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
