The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
