dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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