Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize