please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
