Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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