I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
