Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
