In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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