Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
