dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
