ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
