my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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