tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
