May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
