drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Randomize
