I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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