Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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