I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
