You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
