On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
