Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
