We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
