I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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